A Weekend of Remembrance

Part of this week was pretty normal. Autumn actually napped at school on Tuesday. Seriously, this is something she hasn't done in...well...possibly ever? So we celebrated by going to Jerry's to get a snow cone. Terrible idea. About 50 other people had the same idea--including a daycare! Fortunately the daycare had phoned in their order. Anyway, Autumn was all "I want a rainbow!" So we waited in line in the blazing sun and then ate our snow cones in the air conditioned car. It felt vaguely wrong.


My mom came over Wednesday. Autumn got a pedicure. She's pretty stylish right now because mom put this crackle nail polish on her toes. When Autumn first saw the polish breaking up she said, "you messed up!"


Thursday I got to spend some time with Elizabeth Wiggs and we talked about everything from adoption to photography. I haven't had a chance to play much with what she showed me but hopefully next blog post I'll have some fun pictures.

Friday was Garrett's due date. I expected the day to be really hard but I'd had such a good day with Elizabeth and had a great day planned Friday that it really wasn't that bad. In the morning Autumn and I ran errands and visited with Stephan and his family. And that night, Penny and Cathy and I went out and just had a really great time. It was so nice to catch up with them, talk a little about Garrett, and just celebrate his little life. Really, I have some of the best friends ever. Oh, and this week I ordered a few birth announcements for Garrett just to give to our parents and to put it in the memory box I am making. I made it because I couldn't find a non-picture announcement that I liked and didn't cost entirely too much.


Saturday, Mike and I went to the cemetery to visit Garrett's grave. It was really, really sad because we got there right as a funeral had ended...a little girl was buried next to Garrett. We walked around a bit, looking at the gravestones, talking about why things happen the way they do, and we put together a pinwheel for Garrett.


The last thing we did this weekend to remember Garrett was take some treats and a thank you note up to the hospital for the nurses who took care of me while I was in the hospital. They were so great and I'm glad we finally got around to taking care of that.

So that's our week. I think Mike might do a post later this week so I'll leave it there. I was going to end this one with a verse we saw on one of the other stones at the cemetery. It was pretty awesome but Mike and I can't remember enough of it to find it online. Next time I'll take a picture or write it down. So, I'll end with some lyrics from Twila Paris. My friend Matt's mom brought over the cd. I haven't been able to bring myself to listen to the song yet but I did read the lyrics...

Visitor From Heaven
A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
And now it's time to say
We trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And we're so glad you're there
We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came


Thank you all for your prayers, emails, and texts this week. We couldn't do this without you.

And the world goes on...

Man, when I sat down here I thought, "I got this." I've been planning what to write here for a few days but sitting down to actually do it? Not quite the clinical experience I was hoping for so we're going to do this ripping off the bandaid style...

Last Sunday morning I went to the hospital with what I thought was a kidney stone or urinary tract infection only to find out that had we lost baby Garrett after something called a placental abruption. Apparently, I had a major blood pressure event that caused the placenta to tear away from the uterus. The only symptom I had was an intense backache so you can imagine that they told us they couldn't find a heartbeat and they needed to focus on saving me, we were...well, the world changes so fast.

I still haven't wrapped my head around this. I've always been so fit and cautious about my health. But they tell me that had I been a little less fit or a little later to the hospital, I might have gone into renal failure and ended up on dialysis, or worse. As it was, I lost nearly half my blood volume and got close enough to a hysterectomy that they opened me up Monday night but ended up not having to do it. I'm also on blood pressure medicine, hopefully temporarily.

Anyway, I'm sure I will talk more about all that later but for now, I just would like to tell you about Garrett:

He was born around 1am Monday, June 6. Oddly, Autumn's due date was June 6, 2007. He had black hair, all fuzzy and monkey-esque. He was 4 pounds, 9 ounces, and 19.5 inches tall--one inch longer than Autumn was. Mike, my mom, Lainey, Papa D, my sister and I got to hold him for a little while after the nurses dressed him in his little bunny outfit. He was beautiful.

We buried him Saturday morning at Memorial Park where Mike and I had our engagement pictures what seems like a thousand years ago. I wanted him to be somewhere pretty and where we had happy memories and I am so glad it worked out. There was a service for family and close friends that was a little larger than I expected and Mark, the children's pastor at Fellowship, did an amazing job sharing scripture and celebrating the incredible impact that someone who only lived 35 weeks had on the lives of those around him. There's a verse from Isaiah he shared that I can't remember but I'll share it once I get it from him. One I do remember is from Zephaniah and my friend Christy Edwards shared it with me:
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you; He will quiet you with His love; He will rejoice over you with singing.

I desperately wish that I could have Garrett here on my lap now, but I'm also so glad that I believe in something bigger than me. Mike and I like to think of Garrett in heaven with Jesus, that he won't feel pain or sadness or get in trouble or anything like that. We like to think of how we'll see him again, transfigured and everything God intended Man to be. I don't think I could cope if I didn't truly believe that there's a greater Plan with an ultimately good God behind it. The verse that Mike clings to is Romans 8:28:
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Since last Sunday, Mike and I have clung closer together. We appreciate so, so much about our life:
we have incredible friends.
our family is possibly the best family ever.
we have the coolest daughter ever.
there's no one in the world we'd rather endure this with than each other.

I told Mike this morning that if baby Garrett's life does nothing else but draw us all closer to each other and closer to God, nothing else but make his mama and papa love each other and appreciate each other more than ever, then that's a darn good legacy for a baby.

Thank you all for your support, prayers, love, acts of service, and the list goes on. There were times this week that nothing else was holding us up but your love and prayers and we thank you, thank you, thank you.

Remember, Christina Rosetti

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,    
Gone far away into the silent land;    
When you can no more hold me by the hand,    
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.    
Remember me when no more day by day  
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:    
Only remember me; you understand    
It will be late to counsel then or pray.    
Yet if you should forget me for a while    
And afterwards remember, do not grieve: 
For if the darkness and corruption leave    
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,    
Better by far you should forget and smile    
Than that you should remember and be sad.